“God, I have trust issues.” – Recognizing the Signs of an Untrusting Heart

It hit me again. That wave of panicky, uncomfortable feeling. “What’s this all for anyway?” my mind grumbled. “How can God really have a purpose for everyone and for everything?”

When I was still dealing with major depression earlier this year, my mind was plagued by these kinds of existential questions all the time. Even though I’ve been out of the throes of depression for some time now, it still isn’t easy on my head or heart to often wrestle with heavy questions like this.

So I asked myself—if I’m not depressed anymore, where exactly are these questions coming from?

If I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that there’s always something deeper to my surface struggles. So I began probing not for logical answers to my latest questions, but for the source of these questions in the first place.

And through a lot of personal reflection and discussion in my small group at church, I finally figured out where these questions were stemming from. It wasn’t from a lack of sufficient theological knowledge, and it wasn’t from a resurgence of major depression.

When I started looking at my heart, God put a magnifying glass on the underlying issue going on, and what He showed me was this:

I have trust issues. Trust issues with Him.

And then all my recent questioning made sense.

See, I graduated from a small Christian college a year and a half ago thinking I understood how God worked. I followed the formulas I’d picked up in college to find the right job, and to have the perfect Christian dating relationship, and to walk mistake-free in God’s specific plan for me. It was all going to work out.

That was until a few months after graduation, when God broke those formulas to pieces and shattered everything I thought I understood about Him and how He moves. I was left feeling like I’d just been hit by a tornado and was standing in the rubble of everything I’d built my life and identity on.

I didn’t know who my God was anymore. And because of that, my relationship with Him took a huge hit. I felt hurt, humiliated, and scared. It took a lot of time, grace, and hard conversations with friends and mentors to finally feel like I could start pursuing Him again.

Now here I am today feeling like I’ve made a lot of progress since then—until the Holy Spirit shined a spotlight on the fact that I am continuing to struggle with trusting Him. He simply pointed to the part of my still-hurting heart and said softly, “Sara—look here.”

*sigh*…I see it, Lord. I see it.

He showed me the source of my questions is a deep-rooted fear in my soul that worries, “What if I’m wrong again? What if everything being rebuilt in my faith gets broken apart underneath me again?

I’m still afraid to trust God and who He says He is, because I don’t want to get hurt again.

I didn’t recognize my continued questioning was just a symptom of an ongoing trust problem I have with the Father; that is, until I stopped to ask myself if something more was actually going on.

So I pose the same question to you, friend. Is there anything in your life on the surface that could really be a symptom of a heart struggling to trust Jesus? It takes time, soul-searching, and an open heart to seek out truth, but the truth truly does set you free.

I’m learning that trusting God isn’t about believing with all you’ve got that He’s going to come through in a particular way. It’s about knowing in your heart that God’s character is trustworthy and good, no matter what your circumstances say. It’s trusting that He is for you and He loves you even when you’re faced with hardships.

As a result of everything I’ve been discovering about myself, I’m inviting God to keep showing me who He truly is—my loving, good Father who is faithful and trustworthy.

And I hope you’ll extend Him the same invitation, too.

Father, teach our fragile hearts to trust. Not in what You do, but in who You are.

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